An Open Apology to My 9 Year Old Daughter

Dear my beautiful, smart and amazing 9 year old daughter,


Words cannot describe how much I love you.  But, I can’t look at you right now.  To look at you, see inside you as I so often do, would mean to kill a little piece of me.  Because I failed you.  And I am so sorry.  It hurts to breathe right now, but I know in time, with the right help, we will both be better.


You see, my love, I was so focused on the obvious problems in the house, that I failed to see you were struggling.  Failed to see that your grades, although close to average, were slipping below average.  I thought you would just be the kid that had to work harder.  I did not know how much you were struggling or how lost you felt.  You didn’t tell me.  Not your fault.  I am your mother and I should have known.  I am sorry.


It is no excuse that the last 8 years have been focused on your brother with Aspergers.  It is true, but not at all fair to you,  and something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.  My heart hurts for all the times you struggled in school, academically and emotionally and I did not know.  I failed you and I am sorry.


I thought you were immature.  I thought you were procrastinating.  I joked that I would rather stick pencils in my eye than do homework with you.  How did I not get you evaluated?


I pride myself on being a warrior mom with a kid with Aspergers.  Early intervention began when your brother was months old.  You weren’t as obvious and I missed it.  I kept thinking you would catch up.  I missed it and I will forever be sorry.


My beautiful, amazing, smart 9 year old daughter, here is my promise.  I promise I will always do everything I can to give you the life you deserve to have.  That will include full testing and evaluations to make sure you will learn the way you need to learn.  I will surround you emotionally with peers that make you comfortable and help your self esteem.  You are amazing and need to know so.  I will listen to you and know when you need help.  


We will figure this out and I promise, this time, I won’t let you down.  


Love, Mommy